It looks like I’ve injured myself in a way that will not heal. This is partially due to age, and partially due to my own overconfidence and refusing to accept that I’m not a teenager anymore. Long story short, I used to be able to ride long distances on my bicycle, and now I can’t do that anymore.
I had big plans to go on long bicycle tours and basically live off my bike for weeks at a time. With this new limitation, it’s very unlikely that I will ever be able to do that. I was just getting started on the pathway to fulfilling a lifelong dream, and now I’m faced with this hard reality; I will never get to do what I’ve wanted to do since I was a child.
People age. We can’t help that, but we can help getting old. I feel like I let myself get old. I feel like I fucked up, because I did. The injury was easily avoidable, and was totally my fault. Now I’m blaming myself.
I can still ride my bike, just not very far. I’ve spent the past year trying to push through this new limitation, and now I’m seeing that’s not going to happen.
I know I’ll eventually find a bright side to this. Maybe it’ll cause me to have some experience I wouldn’t have had otherwise? Maybe I’ll figure out a compromise of some kind?
I’ve been fortunate enough to have been healthy my whole life, so this is all new for me. I suppose I should have expected it eventually, but now here it is, and I’m not ready.
I’d like to hear about how others have learned to accept a sudden limitation in their life.
Grieve. It helps to leave lots of room to be sad, feel disappointed, and also make internal space all the other less palatable emotions like shame or internalized ableism or self blame. Then, you can find either workarounds for the activities you miss, or other activities that fill those needs and interests for you. But letting yourself be really upset, without modulating it or rushing through it, is an important step. You’re also going to find yourself annoyed at people you know who make unrealistic suggestions or surprised at those who don’t have the capacity for compassion that you expected - make room to be annoyed and sad about that too. There are a lot of bright and lovely things that won’t have changed in your life, and other things that you might not have considered or encountered until after your life changed, but for the love of all of those things, i implore you to take a minute get very sad and be very angry. Trying to skip that step in my own life is something i regret - positivity becomes very exhausting when it’s a band aid on something you’re not letting yourself feel. Also, reading the writings and social media posts of people who have had similar experiences to yours can help a lot, both in terms of emotional processing and practical tips for dealing with that particular injury or issue. All bodies fall apart, but most of us are not ever taught how to deal with it and there’s a lot of weird emotions that come up. Highly recommend looking for memoirs, websites, social accounts, and whatever else you can find that pertains directly or tangentially to your experiences. I wish you all the best in navigating this.