My wife yawned and dislocated her jaw. She had to go to hospital to get it fixed. Oh, the drooling…

What I’m about to tell you is the absolute true, I swear on my mom.

I was 13 and had just started being kinky and stuff. I had some porn DVDs, inherited from my father, after him and my mother broke up and I went to live with her.

Anyway, I was just discovering my body, and was home alone when I had the brilliant idea to ride my sofa arm, completely naked. I started simulating as if I was fucking it from above. One, two, three pumps and then boom. Something hurt.

I looked at my dick and it was bleeding a lot. Blood spilling on the ground immediately and I fucking freaked out. I was certain I would have to amputate, or at the very least be very ashamed at the hospital explaining how the fuck that happened.

I turned it around to look when I calmed down a bit and I had ripped my frenulum. It was wide open, the frenulum itself hanging and the part it was removed completely red, bloody, I could see inside.

I tried to cry, but couldn’t, I just had to solve it, and could tell nobody about it, which would probably be worse, I thought. I put some toilet paper and it eventually stopped bleeding and wasn’t hurting that much anymore.

Took a shower, it burned as I did it, put my underwear and went on to leave to school. As I was leaving my house, my mom is arriving. I had to tell her, I was worried something bad could happen. Told her “I cut my dick”. She asked, freaked out “WHAT? HOW? WHAT HAPPENED? DOES IT HURT?”. I shook it off, said it was okay now, but I was scared, she asked me to see it, I showed her, she said wtf, let’s go to the hospital, I said no, it doesn’t hurt anymore. I’ll go to school. She asked “how did that happen?” And I could only come up with “I was playing horse rider on the sofa but did it too quickly”. I doubt she believed that shit, but I carried on.

She kept asking me for days how it was, and it just kept healing. In the end, it healed completely, and glued back to the skin. It has a scar, but it probably just looks like a normal, uninjured frenulum, and I don’t really think had any bad consequences outside of showing my dick to my mom as a teenager.

Running over a push broom with my riding mower, like stepping on a rake but much worse.

Trying to burn a spider on a clothing line with a lighter, and having melting plastic drip on my skin.

Looking back, I always did stupid things as a kid.

This one time, when I was 12, I ran over a hornet’s nest with my bicycle. It was in the middle of the road, and I noticed it way too late. The thing cracked open, I realized what was happening, and went full speed downhill.

I decided to do something extra stupid, and stood on the handlebars in an attempt to jump off. The bike flipped, I fell, and my arm dragged all the way down the street before the bike fell on top of me.

In hindsight, there may have been no hornet’s nest.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Shotgunning beers down at a friend’s house, with a big ol hunting knife, like 8" long, real rambo thing.

Started getting really drunk, as one does. So I was getting a bit cocky, as one does.

Did a few cans with just a quick stab and twist, showing off like.

Soooooo…I stabbed myself in the hand pretty bad. Should have got stitches, but, as previously stated, drunk and cocky.

I’ve tried to monetize my API to get rid of third-party apps and I thought my users wouldn’t care. God was I wrong!

unconsciously fell down while trying to park a bike. Kinda very early morning 😴

Fell up the stairs. Had to visit a hospital, got a splint.

tried going down this stupid kiddie monkey slide at a local festival a few years ago- was wearing shorts, and didn’t slide but rather tumbled down. skinned my knee and have the scars to prove it still :)

Wouldn’t say it was stupid in that it was the result of me doing anything stupid, but it definitely felt pretty stupid when I managed to get myself a 4 inch splinter from a wooden guardrail fully embedded in my leg in a hospital parking lot of all places. The best part was, because I was just a kid, and the hospital didn’t treat children, we had to drive to an entirely different hospital because of it.

We were having a bonfire one night when I was in my mid 20s and we were burning 2 couches on the fire. During the time, I was the ONLY sober one but wanted to really impress this girl so I thought “I’ve seen fast and the furious before” and thought I could jump through the flames. I was clearly wrong with that one and burned the entire left-hand side of my body with 2nd and 3rd degree burns. Surprisingly, I didn’t scar whatsoever but my god that was painful.

When I was a child I played a boardgame on my bed with my sibling. When I lost I let my self fall back in frustration and for dramatic effect. I thought I would just hit my mattress, instead I hit my bedframe with my head. Some screaming and bleeding later we went to the hospital for some stiches.

TLDR: played board game ended up in hospital

In kindergarden, I started running around the class with a pair of scissors in my hand. Tripped and the blades went right between my right eyeball and my skull.

Somehow nothing important was damaged (just a lot of bleeding and a very frightened teacher). I still have 2 functioning eyes, and I never again ran holding sharp objects.

Took my daughter to the skate park to practice her skateboarding. She was off the board, and I was going to try getting on. She asked if I wanted any tips. I said I didn’t need any.

In my mind, I was going to get on there and immediately start doing 900s. OK, not really, but I thought I’d ride it a few feet and turn it back over to her.

Instead, I stood on the board. It immediately came out from under me. I reflexively caught myself with my hand and fractured my wrist. 🤦‍♂️

Slipped on concrete entrance to indoor building at college in 2003. Herniated disc in spine according to MRI. Was just a few feet from being away from the cold ice.