Hi everyone! I’m in my late 20s and I’ve been reminiscing on my young adult life and what I like/don’t like. One point that has been coming up for me is close, vulnerable friendships. I used to have a few friends who I was very close to a few years ago, who I could talk to about deep life stuff, big emotions, vulnerable feelings and worries, and also just enjoy time together discussing silly/serious media or the world.
I have since lost these friends, one way or another. Some simply drifted, some left in a flurry of drama and hurt feelings. I thankfully kept some friends, but a lot of them have been lost.
Despite the volatility of those friendships, there was something I was getting from them that I really needed and still need. I think that need is simply the human desire for close companionship. I have a partner, and he’s wonderful; he’s not particularly feel-y however, and my friends aren’t either. I think I need more emotionally-vulnerable people.
My question is this… How does one make these friends as an adult? In fact, how does one make any friends as an adult? I’m finding myself not knowing how to proceed and find other emotional folk. Any advice would be appreciated. <3
There is a lot of data about this, especially for men, it’s simply hard to make new friendships as you get older.
That said, this has been my experience:
I am solidly middle-aged. When I was in my mid-20s I became a parent and had some personal things going on which ended up alienating some friends. This is commonplace for folks that don’t stay in their hometowns. After college, my friend group that I had developed spread across the world and we all lost touch to a degree.
Covid allowed a lot of those friendships to rekindle as we were all at home and connected digitally.
What was a major challenge for me though was relocating and trying to find new friends. It’s easy to date, there’s an app for that. Finding platonic friends though? Extremely hard, it seemed… I spent a lot of time at bars, and have made a lot of friends that way, but they almost never left the bar. What I changed and has allowed me to have some new real friendships (it only took a bunch of years) is just facing the situation and asking people if they want to do things. They’re usually open to it, and if they’re not… forget about it. Move on. If there’s someone at work that’s into the same things that you’re into, let’s say… baseball… tell 'em you’ve got tickets to a game and see if they want to come. Going to a concert? Mention it and see what people say, if someone expresses interest ask if they want to go and meet up for food beforehand.
Friendship is something that we overcomplicate for fear of rejection. Those fears are often unwarranted and when you do experience rejection that’s when you practice your coping skills and self-soothing.
This does kind of gloss over step 1, which other people have talked about… being around people. If you don’t drink, bars aren’t really an option. This just has to cater to what you like to do. There are places for people that like videogames, there are places for people that like guns, literally whatever you like there are other people that like it and places that you can be around them. For me it has been work and being a regular at bars and restaurants. Just go to a place that you can spend time, mind your own business there, and eventually you end up talking to people. Seems to be the case for me at least.